Anger is a useful emotion, reminding me that my boundary has been crossed. I can use anger to give me courage to maintain my boundaries.

“Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone’s neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead.”
          – Al-Anon’s “Courage to Change”

“Anger is like peeing in your pants. Everybody else sees it, but only YOU feel it!”
          – Jeff Yalden

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

>> Mom’s Boundaries Saved My Life

>> How to Say ‘No’ to an Addict or Alcoholic

Some helpful thoughts for parents who need help with setting boundaries with their loved ones.

• You aren’t in their physical space, but are you in their emotional space?
• If it’s not your ball, don’t pick it up.
• Who owns this issue?
• W.A.I.T.  –  Why Am I Talking? (i.e., take some time to think about what you really need to say)
• When we do things for our children that they could do for themselves, we rob them of the opportunity to learn and grow.

Respond Don’t React   – from “Boundaries,” by Henry Cloud

When you react to something that someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point, and your boundaries are lost. When you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices.

If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can’t force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say and something that violates your separateness. When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.

“I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people’s lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life.”   – Melody Beattie

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.”
– Xunzi (Chinese Philosopher)

“You must give up the life you had planned, in order to have the life that is waiting for you.”   – Joseph Campbell

“It is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars.”     – Richard Evans

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”    – Chinese proverb

We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.

Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.

– Henry Cloud

“It is what we know already that often prevents us from learning”    
– Claude Bernard

Stages of Change.  In the Transtheoretical Model, change is a “process involving progress through a series of stages:”

• Precontemplation (Not Ready)-“People are not intending to take action in the foreseeable future, and can be unaware that their behaviour is problematic”
• Contemplation (Getting Ready)-“People are beginning to recognize that their behaviour is problematic, and start to look at the pros and cons of their continued actions”
• Preparation (Ready)-“People are intending to take action in the immediate future, and may begin taking small steps toward behaviour change”
• Action – “People have made specific overt modifications in modifying their problem behaviour or in acquiring new healthy behaviours”
• Maintenance – “People have been able to sustain action for a while and are working to prevent relapse”
• Termination – “Individuals have zero temptation and they are sure they will not return to their old unhealthy habit as a way of coping”

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters >> (click here)

“People are lonely
because they build walls
instead of bridges.”
          – Joseph Fort Newton

DETATCH!

Don’t
Even
Think
About
Trying to
Change
Him/Her!

“Active alcoholics don’t have relationships, they take hostages.”      – Unknown

“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.”      – Swedish proverb

“His family blame themselves and wonder what they could have done differently, racking their minds for a perfect sentiment; wrapped up in the perfect sentence, a magic bullet to sear right through the toxic fortress that has incarcerated the person they love and restore them to sanity. The fact is, though, that they can’t, the sufferer must, of course, be a willing participant in their own recovery. They must not pick up a drink or drug, one day at a time.”
          – Russel Brand regarding his friend’s brother who can’t stay sober

“There is an old Sufi saying that goes something like this:  ‘Tie two birds together, and they will be unable to fly even though they have twice the number of wings.'”
          – Chris Lawford, Symptoms of Withdrawal

Expectations are resentments in the making. Today I will have high hopes and low expectations, embracing life with gratitude.

1. Defending – Can become an unhealthy coping mechanism.
2. Denial – There is no problem.
3. Minimizing the problem – “At least they aren’t _________ .”
4. Avoiding discussions about the problem.
5. Blaming others.
6. Taking over person’s responsibilities.
7. Providing financial support not related to recovery.
8. Helping to resolve legal or employment problems.
9. Reacting, not responding.
10. Lack of self-care*.
*No help for family members keeps us all sick.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough & more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today & creates a vision for tomorrow.”
          – Melody Beattie

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.”
          – David Steindl-Rast

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”
          – Oprah Winfrey

“I am grateful for all of my problems. After each one was overcome, I became stronger and more able to meet those that were still to come. I grew in all my difficulties.”
          – J.C. Penney

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
          – John F. Kennedy

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.”
          – Meister Eckhardt

“When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that is present… we experience heaven on earth.”
          – Sarah Breathnach

“‘Thank you’ is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, understanding.”

          – Alice Walker

“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.”
          – William Arthur Ward

“I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing.
I write about generosity because I battle selfishness.
I write about joy because I know sorrow.
I write about faith because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption.
I write about gratitude because I am thankful – for all of it.”
          – Kristin Armstrong

“It is through gratitude for the present moment that the spiritual dimension of life opens up.”
          – Eckhart Tolle

“When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.”
          – Elie Wiesel

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
– Winne-the-Pooh

Be Comforted
(taken from Jenny’s Journey)

“Treasure precious moments. Remember the love.
Discover peace within. Have faith. Seize hope.
Draw on Inner strength. Release fear. Let yourself cry
Take comfort in friends. Be patient with yourself.
Trust in tomorrow. Attend your needs.
Ask for help. Let others give. Trust enough to take.

Lean on others. Know people care.
Feel the warmth of friendship. Be circled by love.
Vow to move forward. Know the sun will shine.
Behold new life. See the light ahead.
Look ahead with confidence. Celebrate the dawn.”
          – Jan Michelsen

To Honor You

“To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath. And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile
And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love,
I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,
And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source. So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love. Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.”

Connie F. Kiefer Byrd
In Loving Memory of Jordan Alexander Kiefer 8/24/88 – 12/13/05

I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are evil.
          – J.R.R. Tolkien

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly — that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

          – Anne Lamott

🎶 When there was a loss in the addiction treatment/recovery community, Father Bill Hultberg, the late spiritual advisor at Caron Treatment Center, used to play the song “Can’t Cry Hard Enough” in Caron’s chapel service. He would advise those in attendance to “feel your feelings” and allow ourselves to cry. He believed that we needed to move through grief, not avoid it or move around it. He would ask people to stand up and call out the names of those we lost as the song was playing. It is nearly impossible to listen to this song and not cry.

>> Click here a recording of the song.

>> Click here for Lyrics

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15 Things You Should Give Up to Be Happy

1. Give up your need to always be right.
2. Give up your need for control.
3. Give up on blame.
4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk.
5. Give up your limiting beliefs.
6. Give up complaining.
7. Give up the luxury of criticism.
8. Give up your need to impress others.
9. Give up your resistance to change.
10. Give up labels.
11. Give up on your fears.
12. Give up your excuses.
13. Give up the past.
14. Give up attachment.
15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations.

*Disputed attribution. Found in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 568

Peace is not the absence of trouble, it is the presence of God

“Whoever has cried enough, laughs.”
          – Heinrich Mann 

“I guess sometimes I want to have a drink with dinner. But then I remember I have plans for Christmas.”
          – Robert Downey, Jr.

“Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. ‘Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic.’ ‘Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus’… one of those two doesn’t sound right.”
          – Mitch Hedberg 

“I woke up on Christmas morning, and I was soaked in my own urine. At least I think it was mine, I can’t be certain.”
          – Craig Ferguson  (See monologue here.)

Envy is nothing more than a hostile form of self pity.

“Anger is like peeing in your pants. Everybody else sees it, but only YOU feel it!”
          – Jeff Yalden

“Alcohol is a good preservative for everything but brains. “
          – Mary Pettibone Poole

“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.”
          – Robin Williams

“Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.”
          – P.J. O’Rourke

“As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do sh*t that even the Devil would go, ‘dude…'”
          – Robin Williams

“Anyway”  – Mother Teresa  (click here)

“When it gets dark enough,
you can see the stars.”

           -Charles A. Beard

“Never say never, because
limits like fears
are often just an illusion.”
           – Michael Jordan

“Our job is not to look at our children and say, ‘You’re perfect and I’ll make sure you make the tennis team by 5th grade and Yale by 7th grade.’ Instead, our job is to say, ‘You’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.'”
     – Brené Brown

Recovery is a process through which one gradually achieves greater balance of mind, body and spirit in relation to other aspects of one’s life, including family, work and community.
          – Center for Substance Abuse Treatment, National Summit on Recovery, Conference Report. SAMHSA

“I think I’ve probably learned more from my patients than I’ve given them in return. I really see people in recovery from severe addictions as modern-day prophets, because these are folks who’ve had to figure out pleasure and pain and consumption in a dopamine-overloaded world, and they’ve had to do it as a matter of life and death. … They really provide this road map of deep wisdom for the rest of us.”

Anna Lembke, MD
Psychiatrist
Chief of the Addiction Medicine Dual Diagnosis Clinic at Stanford University
Author of Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence

“A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.”
          –  John A. Shedd, Salt from My Attic, 1928

“Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you’re free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness”
          – Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama”

“Signs of Surrender”   – Dr. Harry Tiebaut

Letting Go

Our serenity level is inversely proportionate to our level of expectation.

“If you want to go quickly, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.”

Rachel Naomi Remen describes the distinction between Service and Helping in her essay, In the Service of Life:

Your Savings Account of Human Healing   – unknown

The human longing to be useful, to be asked, to be necessary to at least one other person in the world, runs deeper than anything. And when we rob people of the chance to hit their daily quota of usefulness, to validate their existence – if only for five minutes on the phone – we commit an act of selfishness.

But if we’re fortunate enough to have a savings account of human healing, we should never feel guilty about making a withdrawal request.

“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”
          – Winston Churchill

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”
          – Martin Luther King, Jr.

“No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.”
          – Aesop

“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”