Gail Campbell
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I heard this phrase from a mom I was speaking with, as she was signing up to take the Family Recovery Course. She was told she needed to give her child the gift of desperation. It took me a minute to think about that concept. Wow!

So, what does this even mean? When you have a child that suffers with substance use disorder, you understand or will understand, if you are just embarking on this journey. And even after you ascertain this concept early on, it’s not until the end of a long journey that you are able to encompass its true meaning. It’s a tough concept to comprehend, because it is so counterintuitive to parents. We’re all about love, support, being there for our children. A little hint: we can still be all those things and still give our loved one the gift.

Let’s understand what that really means for parents whose children are using substances. And those children can be any age — adolescents, young adults and even older adults whose parents are concerned enough to try to get their loved one better. Parents have that notion they can make or get their child better. I’m here to tell you that’s largely without any positive outcomes. But that doesn’t mean you won’t try and try and try some more. I encourage you to exhaust all your trying. When you finally are aware of the powerlessness of getting your child better, you begin to have some acceptance of this concept. It’s a journey to begin acting for yourself. It’s gift you give yourself and a gift you give your loved one.

When your loved one is using substances, you are affected; it disrupts the entire family unit. The relationship with your loved one becomes complicated, manipulative and confusing. It interrupts relationships with your other children, other family members, and your friends. It interferes with your personal life, your work life. You could say you become addicted to your loved one — it’s called co-dependency. Your world becomes full of worry, fear, anger, and resentment. You become helpless and hopeless.

I have learned I can love, support, and be there for my loved one but I can’t get them better. The only person I can get better is myself. Yes, myself! Only then can I begin to understand how to love and support my loved one and take charge of my life. Most of us cannot do this alone. Getting educated, support from peer-led parent support groups or Alanon, seeking a therapist that understands addiction, or all the above.

Those of us who are parents in recovery learn how to put the responsibility we feel for our loved ones where it belongs. As well as all the other tasks that we have taken on because we think a loved one is incapable. Many times, we do not give our loved ones those opportunities as we are too quick to fix. We are giving our loved ones misleading messages that they are not competent.

“Giving your child the gift of desperation” really made an impression on me, particularly after a very emotional conversation I had with my son. It took me a while to process that conversation I had with him. His question to me was, “Why do you always fix things?” I finally understood the true meaning.